Nu Metal

Back in November Vh1 Classic had their first annual metal day and one of the things that premiered was the first in an eleven part series called Metal Evolution. It’s a series that goes through the history of metal with each episode focusing on a specific genre or time period in metal. It’s done by Sam Dunn, who did the great documentary Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, so I was pretty excited. I knew that there would inevitably be an episode on Nu Metal and just this past Saturday that episode premiered. Since I committed myself to watching the entire series I had to watch the episode.

A little while back I had also heard that KoRn was releasing a new album. I thought that maybe I should review it but I quickly forgot about it. Seeing this recent episode of Metal Evolution reminded me of that album and brought back all of the hatred that I have for Nu Metal. As I’m writing this review I am also listening to Seasons in the Abyss in order to cool down. Yes, that’s right; I’m listening to Slayer in order to cool down.

There are so many ways to describe Nu Metal. I thought about calling it a one-trick-pony but after thinking about that, I realized that that’s really just an insult to one-trick-ponies. Poison is a one-trick-pony; Nu Metal is something else entirely. The absolute total lack of any sort of integrity or effort in Nu Metal is staggering. As I was watching the Nu Metal episode of Metal Evolution I was (obviously) subjected to much of what the bands had to offer. And of course many of them went to great lengths to defend their music. At one point all I could think was “The sound of me jacking off into a microphone is better than this”. And that really is the summation of everything that is wrong with Nu Metal. I cannot think of a single thing that I would like to hear less than Nu Metal.

I’m now finding that its very hard to concisely word my hatred of Nu Metal so let me focus on the specific bands.

KoRn: Coming up with a good name for your band can certainly be hard but KoRn seems like they’ve made an effort to pick the absolute worst one. Any time I hear any one of their songs all I can think about is some emo teenager in their room with a razor blade and bad mopey poetry. Of course after listening to their music slitting my wrists doesn’t sound like such a bad idea as it usually destroys what little faith I still have in modern metal music. Back when I heard KoRn had released a new album I decided to listen to a few previews on iTunes. I expected to hear something bad but what I got was much much worse than even I had expected. The album is billed as a cross between the insufferable new genre of Dubstep and Nu Metal. This is like taking a pile of vomit, letting it decay in a dump for a while, picking it up with a rusty shovel and mixing it in with a pile of shit, and then deciding to eat it. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever heard anything worse than this album. It elevates albums like Turbo by Judas Priest or St. Anger by Metallica to the status of Reign in Blood.

Slipknot: The other day I was trying to google Slayer. I got to “Sl” and the drop down thing gave me Slipknot as an option. This really pissed me off. Of course what pisses me off even more is that Slipknot is currently one of the most popular metal bands. Who the fuck is paying to listen to this band? If anything we should be paying for them to go away. I think it was last year that I heard that their bassist died. I know that this is going to sound bad (and I apologize in advance) but I thought that maybe this would make the band go away but unfortunately they seem undeterred. I’ve read that their whole gimmick with the jump suits and the masks is to draw attention away from the performers and more towards the music. This is like Kiss saying that they wear makeup for the same reason. And of course their music is exactly the same as KoRn’s. It’s the whole look-at-me-I’m-in-a-mental-institution schtick.

Limp Bizkit: The day that Fred Durst dies will be a happy one. Not only did he create one of the worst bands in one of the worst genres, he intentionally incited riots at the disastrous Woodstock ’99. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Durst is just an all around asshole who attacks his critics simply for the reason that they are his critics. Now in his music he actually takes a different approach than the two bands mentioned above. That is by no means a good thing though. His music is simply him whining about all of the little problems in his life. If a bee stings Fred Durst, odds are that he’ll write a song attacking that bee.

All right I’ll end that there. But lets not forget about the actual music. If Nu Metal has taught us one thing it’s: DO NOT DOWN TUNE. I'm not sure that I can stress that enough. Also we should add onto the old rule of “fire the keyboardist” that you should also fire the DJ and smash the turntable.

The only bit of optimism I can put into this review is that Nu Metal appears to be waning. This is good. Of course its bastard cousin Metalcore is rearing its ugly head. But that’s a review for a different time.